Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 30, 2008 - Bonus Jokes!
The Big News writing staff is hard at work crafting great comedy each week for your enjoyment. And thanks to Al Gore, there's a place for those jokes that can't fit into the show - the Internet! To see what did make it in, stop by in Hollywood on Sunday nights from 10 to 11!
Barack Obama released seven years of tax returns on Tuesday, putting pressure on presidential rival Hillary Clinton to make her returns public. Not to be outdone, John McCain has released 130 years of tax filings.
Barack Obama released seven years of tax returns on Tuesday, putting pressure on presidential rival Hillary Clinton to make her returns public. Not to be outdone, John McCain has released his notes from the First Continental Congress.
On Tuesday, Barack Obama released his tax returns from the past seven years. However, instead of writing down actual dollar amounts, he just wrote "Yes We Can" over and over.
Hillary Clinton admitted she misspoke when claiming that, as First Lady in 1996, she arrived in Bosnia "under sniper fire", and blamed her error on sleep deprivation. Clinton then complained she's sleep deprived because her phone keeps ringing at 3am with people wanting her to solve a bunch of pain-in-the-ass problems.
Hillary Clinton's campaign said she "misspoke" last week when saying she had landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady in March 1996. Although no one was shooting at her, Hillary did wear a bulletproof pantsuit as a precaution.
The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows Hillary Clinton has sunk to her lowest approval rating at 37%. Ironically, the low rating actually makes Clinton seem more presidential.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. Reagan described McCain as “a nice young man.”
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday after McCain promised to use all of the power of his office to find out where that nasty draft was coming from and where the dang heck she left the TV remote, and to extend the Denny's Early Bird specials to weekends
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. While most analysts predicted Reagan would eventually endorse McCain, many were fearful she would have to make the endorsement from the grave.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. The two reminisced about the time they spent as next-door neighbors in Bedrock.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. McCain then used a Ouija board to receive the endorsement of Ronald Reagan.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. Unfortunately, McCain then hugged Mrs. Reagan too hard and she crumbled to dust.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. This is Mrs. Reagan's second most important endorsement since fire.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president on Tuesday. In a related story, both McCain and Mrs. Reagan have officially endorsed Polygrip Denture Glue.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. Reagan and McCain then both fell down and were unable to get up.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. Then the two headed to the local Sizzler for a delicious 4:30pm dinner.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. They then fell asleep on the couch watching reruns of Murder She Wrote.
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. McCain described Reagan as “jailbait.”
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. Mrs. Reagan was filled with fond memories of watching McCain's biography "10,000 BC".
Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. She is tight-lipped about past romance rumors, refusing to tell naughty tales from the crypt.
This week John McCain released his first campaign ad aimed at the general election. The Senator revealed his platform of strong national defense, high fiber and frequent naps.
Mitt Romney made his first appearance on the campaign trail with John McCain at a fund-raising event in Salt Lake City. GOP representatives hailed the partnership with Romney, who finally will add the voice of insanely rich white men to the Republican party.
During a speech on foreign policy last week, John McCain said that a premature withdrawal from Iraq could mean a genocidal civil war. He added that a premature withdrawal would also mean that he's too old for Viagra.
Longshot presidential candidate Mike Gravel told supporters last week that he is leaving the Democratic Party to join the Libertarian Party. Responded the Democratic party, "Who?"
The Pentagon has admitted that it mistakenly shipped part of the triggering mechanism for four nuclear warheads to Taiwan in 2006. The warhead triggers were supposed to go to Japan for use in the fight against Godzilla.
The Pentagon has admitted that it mistakenly shipped part of the triggering mechanism for four nuclear warheads to Taiwan in 2006. The triggers will be assembled by child labor, and then sold back to the US at a higher cost.
The Pentagon has admitted that it mistakenly shipped part of the triggering mechanism for four nuclear warheads to Taiwan in 2006. The triggers were then sold to China, coated with lead paint and sold back to American children as Toxic Irony Robots.
The Pentagon has admitted that it mistakenly shipped part of the triggering mechanism for four nuclear warheads to Taiwan in 2006. It’s the biggest shipment mistake by a government agency this year, unless you count the time Child Protective Services accidentally gave Britney Spears’ children back to her.
A gun belonging to the pilot of a US Airways plane went off as the aircraft was on approach to land in North Carolina over the weekend, the first time a weapon issued under a federal program to arm pilots was fired. Luckily, no one was hurt, although the pilot did spill his beer.
A gun belonging to the pilot of a US Airways plane went off over the weekend, marking the first time a weapon issued under a federal program to arm pilots was fired. The incident also marked the last time a child ever entered the cockpit to get his or her wings.
A gun belonging to the pilot of a US Airways plane went off over the weekend, marking the first time a weapon issued under a federal program to arm pilots was fired. It also marks the first time a pilot had a shot during a flight that did not contain alcohol.
Last week, the Florida Legislature passed a resolution that formally apologized for the state’s history of slavery. No word yet on when the state plans on apologizing for giving us President George W. Bush.
Last week, the Florida Legislature passed a resolution that formally apologized for the state’s history of slavery. Florida then apologized to the rest of the Confederacy for selling out.
Blind New York governor David Paterson revealed in an interview last weekend that he had previously used cocaine. In his defense, Paterson said he was told it was just a really powdery Kleenex.
Blind New York governor David Paterson revealed in an interview last weekend that he had previously used cocaine. In his defense, Paterson said he was told it was just heroin.
Blind New York governor David Paterson revealed in an interview last weekend that he had previously used cocaine. In his defense, Patterson said he only used the drug to help him pick up chicks.
Both New York Governor David Paterson and his wife admit to having extramarital affairs. Clearly, his wife also has a wandering eye.
Following last week's news by New York's new Governor David Paterson that he was guilty of extramarital affairs, his wife announced that she also had failed to remain faithful. Paterson responded that he did not see that coming.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and a former aide were charged Monday with perjury and obstruction of justice after prosecutors said sexually explicit text messages between the two contradicted their sworn court testimony. Anyone who has been sexually involved with either party should get texted, since when you text someone, you are texting everyone they've ever texted.
American Airlines canceled 200 flights last week to give crews the opportunity to inspect equipment aboard its aircrafts. Specifically, the crews hope to make sure the equipment isn't affected by being .
American Airlines canceled 200 flights last week to give crews the opportunity to inspect equipment aboard its aircrafts. And to give the pilots time to sleep off their hangovers.
American Airlines canceled 200 flights last week to give crews the opportunity to inspect equipment aboard its aircrafts. The crew finally had an opportunity to test their own equipment during "Mile High Club" experiments.
Of the 28,000 daily commercial airline in the United States, fewer than one percent are protected by on-board, armed federal air marshals. Instead, planes are protected by .
Of the 28,000 daily commercial airline in the United States, fewer than one percent are protected by on-board, armed federal air marshals. But thank God we're still safe from anyone carrying a 6 oz. bottle of water.
, the Supreme Court ruled that female inmates have a constitutional right to have abortions off the jail grounds. However, they will still have to be performed with a shiv.
Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that female inmates have a constitutional right to have abortions off the jail grounds. The ruling was made after too many failed abortions using the electric chair.
China vowed strict security for the Olympic torch relay through restive Tibet on Monday as protesters tried to disrupt the torch lighting ceremony in Greece. The plan is to have 7-foot-six-inch Houston Rockets star Yao Ming carry the torch so that none of the protesters can reach it.
The LAPD signed the contract with the hopes of capitalizing on the current popularity of people being tasered on YouTube.
Last week, the LA City Council approved a $5-and-a-half million dollar contract to install video cameras inside 300 LAPD squad cars. As part of the contract, the LAPD will create their own channel on YouTube devoted to the city's best taserings.
Last week, the LA City Council approved a $5-and-a-half million dollar contract to install video cameras inside 300 LAPD squad cars. However, the LAPD thinks the cameras would be more effective if they were installed in their tasers.
Last week, the LA City Council approved a $5-and-a-half million dollar contract to install video cameras inside 300 LAPD squad cars. Union cameramen for "Cops" have filed a protest with the city.
Last week, the LA City Council approved a $5-and-a-half million dollar contract to install video cameras inside 300 LAPD squad cars. In response, FOX is pitching a new pilot entitled, "COPS 2: No, Seriously, They're Doing Research."
Pamela Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. The judge granted the annulment after determining that Anderson is already legally married to silicon.
Pamela Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. Solomon is now legally free to spread herpes elsewhere.
Pamela Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. It took Salomon two weeks to realize they weren't making a sexual reference.
Dr. Pepper will give a free can of soda to everyone in America if Guns 'N' Roses releases a new album this year. In a related move, if Hootie & the Blowfish release a new album this year, everyone gets a free can of Diet Fresca.
After nearly 19 years of marriage, Robin Williams is getting a divorce. It seems that his wife Marsha had beat him to the punchline.
Robin Williams is divorcing his wife of nearly 19 years. In lieu of moving out, Mr. Williams will wear a fat suit and prosthetic nose while pretending to be the couple's 75-year-old British maid.
After nearly 19 years of marriage, Robin Williams is getting a divorce. Fans hope that the painful breakup will cause Williams to do cocaine again, so he can once more be funny.
Denise Richards, whose divorce from Charlie Sheen was finalized in 2006, won a court ruling last week allowing her to remove the Sheen from her last name. She's now gone back to her maiden name, Tits McGee.
Pop star George Michael is planning to tour the United States for the first time in 17 years. Michael will perform in both large arenas and small gas station restrooms.
Pop star George Michael is planning to tour the United States for the first time in 17 years. Michael will be joined on tour by opening band "Larry Craig and the Men's Room 5."
Pop star George Michael is planning to tour the United States for the first time in 17 years. Unfortunately for George Michael, his tour is all in Eli Stone's head.
CNN Headline News has announced it will broadcast a new half-hour comedy show starting in April called "Not Just Another Cable News Show". Executives envision a program along the lines of "The Glenn Beck Show," except that viewers will be laughing with the network.
CNN Headline News has announced it will broadcast a new half-hour comedy show starting in April called Not Just Another Cable News Show. Currently, the only time you see comedy on CNN is when President Bush gives a press conference.
CNN Headline News has announced it will broadcast a new half-hour comedy show starting in April called Not Just Another Cable News Show. By mid-April CNN Headline News is expected to announce that this has become Just Another Canceled Cable News Show.
, "Napoleon Dynamite" star Jon Heder has signed to star alongside Kirsten Bell and Dax Shepard in the Disney romantic comedy "When in Rome". Early word on the film is that critics expect it to suck more than
According to Variety, "Napolean Dynamite" star Jon Heder has signed to star alongside Kirsten Bell and Dax Shepard in the Disney romantic comedy "When in Rome". Richard Roeper calls the movie, "further proof that Disney should stop making romantic comedies."
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home to install TV wires accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. Unfortunately, the man still had to hire a professional installer that charged him up the ying yang.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home while trying to install a satellite television system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. On the plus side, at least he’ll never have to fight with her over the remote control.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home while trying to install a satellite television system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. Fortunately the Missouri Federal Prison just upgraded to 96 channels in full HD from Direct TV.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home while trying to install a satellite television system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. Now he can watch all the porn he wants.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home while trying to install a satellite television system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. Well, that taught her to stop nagging from the other room.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home while trying to install a satellite television system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. In response, the website "How To Install Your Satellite Television System Using Only Your Firearm.com" has been shut down.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home to install a satellite TV system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. A Missouri judge will arraign the man on charges of manslaughter sometime between 8am and 5pm on Tuesday.
A Missouri man who fired a gun through the wall of his home to install a satellite TV system accidentally shot and killed his wife on the other side of the wall. In lieu of flowers, the man asks mourners to send him a Laz-E-Boy.
About 70 percent of Afghans do not have access to safe drinking water. On the bright side, about 95 percent of Afghans do have access to Starbucks coffee.
About 70 percent of Afghans do not have access to safe drinking water. On the bright side, about 90 percent of Afghans do have access to cool, refreshing AK-47s and thirst-quenching RPGs and hand grenades.
About 70 percent of Afghans do not have access to safe drinking water. On the bright side, about 90 percent of Afghans do have access to cool, refreshing heroin.
A new study revealed about 70 percent of Afghans do not have access to safe drinking water. A State Department study also shows that 70% of America's combat troops don't have access to Al Queda in Afghanistan because they're in deployed in Iraq.
Texas had four metropolitan areas with the biggest population growths in 2007. However, the population is expected to decrease significantly once the state goes through with its next round of executions.
According to the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services, 1 out of every 10 people in Ohio receive food stamps. The other 90% of Ohioans receive cigarette stamps.
According to the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services,1 out of every 10 people in Ohio receive food stamps. The other 90% of Ohioans had to actually pay for their Milwaukee's Best Light.
A Tacoma, Washington Starbucks employee has successfully donated a kidney to a regular customer. Even though the kidney was free, the coffee still cost the customer an arm and a leg.
A Tacoma, Washington Starbuck's employee has successfully donated a kidney to a regular customer. While the new kidney saved the woman's life, the customer now pees double shot mochaccino lattes.
Retail giant Wal-Mart lost a case this week to trademark their famous yellow smiley face as featured in stores and in their marketing campaigns. However, Walmart has retained their trademark on not providing health care and paying below minimum wage.
Wal-Mart has recovered almost half a million dollars from a former employee who suffered brain damage from a car accident while employed by the retail giant. Ironically, before the accident, the woman was the only Wal-Mart employee who did not have brain damage.
Twenty people were injured after a train derailed on the Long Island Rail Road in New York. Authorities are calling it Long Island's biggest track wreck since Joey Buttafuoco.
In his new book, Jose Canseco accuses Alex Rodriguez of taking steroids. Except during the playoffs.
A woman in Texas is demanding an apology from the TSA after she was forced to remove her nipple rings with pliers in order to pass through airport security. The TSA not only apologized to the woman, but promised the next time she could use her boyfriend's teeth.
A woman going through airport security in Lubbock Texas was forced to remove her nipple rings with a pair of pliers. The TSA claims that the woman appeared to be smuggling a pair of ballistic missiles onto the plane and that they were merely attempting to disarm them.
A woman going through airport security in Lubbock Texas was forced to remove her nipple rings with a pair of pliers. The woman is suing the TSA for publicly humiliating her by exposing the colossal stupidity of wearing nipple rings through airport security.
A woman going through airport security in Lubbock Texas was forced to remove her nipple rings with a pair of pliers. The man behind her was relieved that with all the fuss the TSA officers failed to detect his stainless steel butt plug.
The Kilauea volcano on the Big Island in Hawaii is pumping out unprecedented amounts of gas that could threaten local neighborhoods. Health officials are describing the situation as "worse than when Rosie O'Donnell visited."
The Kilauea volcano on the Big Island in Hawaii is pumping out unprecedented amounts of gas that could threaten local neighborhoods. Health officials are describing the situation as worse than John McCain after all you can eat pork chop night at the VFW.
The Kilauea volcano on the Big Island in Hawaii is pumping out unprecedented amounts of gas that could threaten local neighborhoods. The volcano is causing the biggest gas problem in the state since the opening of the first Hawaiian White Castle.
According to a new survey, comprehensive sex education, which includes teaching teens about birth control, STDs and pregnancy, is more likely to avoid pregnancy than the abstinence-only method. Another way to prevent teens from getting pregnant is to let them see how fat Jamie Lynn Spears is getting.
According to a new survey, comprehensive sex education, which includes teaching teens about birth control, STDs and pregnancy, is more likely to help them avoid pregnancy than the abstinence-only method. Unfortunately, they will go to hell.
According to a new survey, comprehensive sex education, which includes teaching teens about birth control, STDs and pregnancy, is more likely to help them avoid pregnancy than the abstinence-only method. However, the best way to avoid teen pregnancy is still abortion
According to a new survey, comprehensive sex education, which includes teaching teens about birth control, STDs and pregnancy, is more likely to help them avoid pregnancy than the abstinence-only method. However, the best way to avoid teen pregnancy is by not living in the Midwest.
According to a new survey, comprehensive sex education, which includes teaching teens about birth control, STDs and pregnancy, is more likely to help them avoid pregnancy than the abstinence-only method. Midwest educational experts have reluctantly agreed, hoping to lower the percentage of teenage boys fathering illegitimate sheep.
Fueled by the rising popularity of soft drinks and fast-food restaurants, Mexico has become the second fattest nation in the world after the United States. That’s because the only people left in Mexico are those who are too fat to sneak across the border.
Fueled by the rising popularity of soft drinks and fast-food restaurants, Mexico has become the second fattest nation in the world after the United States. Especially because its citizens no longer have to run across the border to get a job.
Last week in Naperville, Illinois, a man stole a 2-month-old Pomeranian puppy valued at nearly $1500 from a pet store. In response, Ellen DeGeneres cried about it on national television.
A government laptop computer containing the names, birthdays, medical record numbers and diagnoses of patients who participated in a heart disease clinical trial study, conducted by NHLBI from 2001 to 2007, was stolen on February 23 from the trunk of a senior employee's car. Dick Cheney was apprehended and plans to release a public apology sometime next week.
The San Francisco Giants have removed tributes to Barry Bonds from their stadium. The club, however, will keep a plaque in the ballpark to commemorate Bonds's record-breaking home run and will also display a leftover syringe dipped in HGH.
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which use the seven books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. Unfortunately, the course does not tackle the question of when adults readers of Harry Potter will grow up.
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which use the seven books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. At the graduate level, the course will actually crucify actor Daniel Radcliffe to death to see if he arises after three days.
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which uses the seven Harry Potter books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. The Bible is also being used to examine Harry Potter themes such as flying broomsticks, invisibility cloaks, and unicorns.
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which uses the seven Harry Potter books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. The course will examine what causes true believers to: suspend logic to accommodate allegorical fiction, stand in long lines to worship, and/or kill non-believers.
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which uses the seven Harry Potter books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. As a result, President Bush plans on going back to Yale to learn about magic.
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which uses the seven Harry Potter books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. At least that class should be less controversial than "Art 201: Drawing Inflammatory Caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed."
Yale University has started offering a course called "Christian Theology and Harry Potter", which uses the seven Harry Potter books to examine Christian themes such as sin, evil and resurrection. The course is using the Harry Potter books because they're slightly more believable than the Bible.
New research suggests that having a large stomach in midlife increases the chances of someone getting dementia as they get older. The risk of dementia also increases if your last name is Spears.
New research suggests that having a large stomach in midlife increases the chances of someone getting Alzheimer's as they get older. Unfortunately, they never forget to eat.
Adobe Software has launched a free version of its Photoshop picture editing software online. The company hopes the free software will allow consumers to more effectively cut-and-paste Scarlett Johannsen into hardcore pornography.
Adobe Software has launched a free version of its Photoshop picture editing software online. The company hopes the free software will allow consumers to create more effective LOLcatz.
Ultimate fighting teams have expanded in Missouri to include kids as young as six. However, some tough tikes were disqualified for breaking rule #1: Do NOT talk about fight club!…before bedtime.
Brian Sliter, a registered sex offender who was caught in a police sting while trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl on the Internet, is running for mayor of his small Texas town. Sliter's campaign plans on highlighting the fact that he's already gotten the raping out of his system.
Sliter plans on campaigning door-to-door, which analysts predict will cost him the all-important "those living within 100 feet from a park or school" vote.
Brian Sliter, a registered sex offender who was caught in a police sting while trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl on the Internet, is running for mayor of his small Texas town. His previous experience was showing up uninvited dressed up as Mayor McCheese at various McDonald's Playlands.
Brian Sliter, a registered sex offender who was caught in a police sting while trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl on the Internet, is running for mayor of his small Texas town. Sliter may not be qualified to be mayor, but he's already got the right experience to be the governor of New York.
According to new research, obese women are less likely to receive the recommended tests for cervical and breast cancer than women of a healthy weight. The tests are more difficult to perform on obese women since doctors cannot tell which ones are actually their breasts.
According to new research, obese women are less likely to receive the recommended tests for cervical and breast cancer than women of a healthy weight. However, obese women are much more likely to receive an order of fries on the side.
According to new research, obese women are less likely to receive the recommended tests for cervical and breast cancer than women of a healthy weight. Unfortunately for these patients, traditional tests can't differentiate between aggressive cancers and the thin people inside them struggling to get out.
According to new research, obese women are less likely to receive the recommended tests for cervical and breast cancer than women of a healthy weight. Obese women are are also less likely to receive free drinks from men in bars.
A California aerospace company plans to enter the space tourism industry with a two-seat rocket ship capable of suborbital flights to altitudes more than 37 miles above the Earth. From space, tourists will be able to see the Great Wall of China, the Sahara Desert, and the flaws in Hillary Clinton's campaign.
Scientists say that a small piece of jawbone found in Europe is around 1.3 million years old. After examining the bone, the scientists say they plan to return it to its home inside of John McCain
A Finnish tourist issued an apology Thursday for tearing an ear from one of the famous Easter Island statues. Apparently a genealogist had just recently told him that his lineage could be traced to both Van Gogh and Mike Tyson.
And finally, Herb Peterson, the creator of McDonald's Egg McMuffin, died Tuesday at age 89. In honor of his legendary sandwich, Peterson will be buried inside what appears to be his final invention: a circular casket topped with a slice of cheese and Canadian bacon called, "The McCoffin."